Q. Ashlei: Why does he always put so much damn Tabasco on everything? A few drops go a long, long way.

A. Sounds like you’re not the one cooking. Average Guy Food Rule Number 105: If you don’t cook, you don’t bitch. Maybe a little history lesson will ease your anger toward nature’s perfect condiment. The Holy applications of Tabasco were on the tablets Moses brought down from Mount Sinai – carved by THE HAND OF GOD. Tabasco was on the table at The Last Supper. Most wars are started because the aggressor doesn’t have enough Tabasco. The bombs the United States dropped on Japan to end World War II were not atomic, they were Tabascotomic. Tabasco helped Rocky finally beat Apollo Creed. Luke Skywalker destroyed the Death Star with Tabasco. Harry Potter defeated Voldemort with the spell Tabascous burnassious. Each year thousands of guys get laid by chicks they pick up in bars after drinking Bloody Marys seasoned with – yeah, you guessed it – Tabasco. Can you imagine a world without Tabasco? If you can, I am sad for you. You’ll never truly know love.