Ask The Average Guy

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Monday, April 30, 2012

Q. Jasmine: Why can’t men ever seem to agree with women on a movie?

Women have shitty taste in movies.
Movie a man would enjoy: Fade from black to the jungles of Vietnam. The year is 1965. Guys say stuff like, “‘Nam,” “Charlie,” and “Boom-Boom” a lot. By the way, “Boom-Boom” doesn’t mean what you think it does – it means getting laid in Vietnam in 1965. Machine guns. Explosions. Titties. The end.
A movie a woman would enjoy: Fade into a soft-light shot of some douche (Matthew McConaughey) probably wearing a Bob Knight sweater, his hair too long to be practical, and wondering if he should have used more conditioner.  Feelings. Love. Feelings. Crying. Feelings. Love. The end.*
Clearly the first movie should win an Oscar for being awesome, but won’t. Chick movies always win Oscars because chicks dig the awards show. Average Guys don’t give a fuck about the awards show unless some starlet’s boob falls out of her dress. Even then we see it on Google Images the next morning (don’t forget to turn off SafeSearch). The Oscars? Pfft. We have more important things to do, like watch movies where guys say stuff like, “’Nam,” and “Boom-Boom.”
Now leave me alone. I have to go look at Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on the Internet.

*At some point during this movie you’ll think you’re going to see boobs, then you don’t.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Q. Donna: Why can’t guys pick up on subtle hints?

A. Let’s view this issue through the lens of a Saturday afternoon network nature program.
Ian, a British man in khakis, walks in front of a camera: “We’re here in the wilds of the great suburban sprawl in search of the elusive Subtle Hint Male. Walk with me now as I venture into the beer-filled, first-person-shooter game habitat of this most rare of beasts.”
The camera crew enters a split-level home decorated in earth tones and reproductions of paintings normal Americans could never afford. A man in a T-shirt sits on the couch watching “The Predator.”
Woman (wearing less than a stripper, slides next to the man and says softly): “Hi, honey. Whatcha doin’?”
Ian (whispers to the camera): “Carefully watch as the female of the species attempts to engage her mate with nonsensical sounds. This is a ploy to divert his attention from an important how-to video to something she considers much more interesting, her breasts. This is called ‘presenting.’ What the female fails to realize is that the male is engrossed in a study of how to defeat the Predator. He is learning a skill essential to protecting himself as well as his mate.”
Man: “Yeah?”
Ian (voiceover): “When attracted by outside stimuli short of nachos, the male of the species is always slow to respond.”
Woman: “I asked what you were doing.”
Man (through a handful of pork rinds): “Watchin’ a movie.”
Ian (voiceover): “This is classic male behavior. Whether it’s protecting the family, securing food, or playing with his penis, a man’s attention is almost impossible to divert when set on its chosen path.”
Woman (seductively licks the tip of her index finger and slowly slides it between her breasts): “I know something better you can watch.”
Man (never turning his head): “Yeah, I know. ‘AVP’ is up next. You wanna call in a pizza?”
Ian (facing the camera): “Sadly, when it comes to anything less subtle than a knee to the groin, the human male is essentially stupid. The search for the Subtle Hint Male continues. Tune in next week as we travel to exotic landscapes of Detroit.”
Does this sound familiar? Come on; look at your guy. He’s sitting on the couch right now, isn’t he? Drinking a beer maybe? Watching WWE in his underwear? I dare you to say something like, “You know how you like Bloomin Onions? I do, too. They have them at Outback Steakhouse. And you know what? Outback’s still open. How about that?” Does he move, or does he mumbled something and scratch his ass? Don’t lie; he mumbled and scratched his ass.
Average Guy Tip Number 415: If you want a guy to do something, just fucking ask.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Q: Ashlei: I love a good zombie flick but what the hell is this obsession with the zombie apocalypse to really happen.... Men!

A: When the zombie apocalypse happens (note I said “when” not “if”) the most difficult thing for an average guy will be hiding his colossal erection. This is what we’ve all been waiting for. Although men are genetically engineered to be killers and survivalists, society has kept the primal instincts of men pinned inside us for hundreds of years. Deep down all we want to do is kill, eat, and have sex with Kim Kardashian’s knockers. When the zombie apocalypse happens there will be no more society. All we will have to do is make head shots on the walking dead, eat SpaghettiOs right out of the can, and screw like a Kennedy. Not to mention it will be like a real life video game. If that doesn’t sound awesome to you then you need awesome lessons.

Q. Melissa: “How often, while having sex, are you actually envisioning ME rather than someone else?!” Eyes closed and averted doesn’t bode well for the answer I want! Sometimes I’m convinced he’s thinking Angelina so I start making faces at him...not like he’ll ever know, he’s too busy in the Land of Jolie.”

A. Melissa, your man still finds you attractive. If he didn’t, every time you asked for sex he’d find something more important to do, like masturbate. That said, the last time every bit of him had sex with every bit of you was after about six months of dating. No offense. I say “no offense,” because that’s exactly what women do, take offense… to EVERYTHING. Just because your man is thinking of another woman during sex doesn’t mean he’s actually having sex with her. If he were he’d actually be having sex with her. Your guy fantasizing about the new receptionist at work while doing you in your marital bed (or on the couch, under the kitchen table, and sometimes on the washer during the spin cycle) is normal. When Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston – Men’s Health Magazine’s sexiest Woman OF ALL TIME – do you think he fantasized about someone else during sex? Hell, yes. He pictured Angelina Jolie in “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.” Who do you think he’s fantasizing about while having sex with Angelina? Megan Fox? Vivica A. Fox? Jamie Foxx? The Fox from “The Fox and the Hound”? An actual red fox? Who the fuck knows? And, frankly, who the fuck cares? Stop being selfish. Sex with your guy isn’t just about you; it’s about Catholic high school girls eating Twizzlers. So, if you want him to keep his eyes open during sex, dress and act like some tramp who doesn’t look, dress or act like you at all. It will be good for your marriage.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Q. Laura: Why can't they make the plans?

A: The answer is simple. Men don’t make plans because having fun on a schedule is more boring than watching women’s basketball. We make things up as we go, and are pretty easy to deal with after we get drunk. Once the magical power of booze takes over anything can happen. If men were to write out plans for a night it would be in the form of a Mad Lib, like this:
I was bored so __________ and I went to __________ to get drunk. After ________ beers, we decided to __________ at the __________. Boy, was that teacher on a field trip with fifth graders pissed off. But she had really great __________ so I grabbed one and made a _________ noise. Then we went to the bar and drank _________. I got mad because__________ so I punched a __________ in the _________. The juicehead bouncer got in my face and I __________. So we went to another dump where I saw a __________ lady sitting across the bar. I bought her a few rounds of __________ and took her to __________ where I did her __________ style until she _________*. Man I love __________ women! The next day my head felt like __________ and I threw up an entire __________. I looked at the sleeping chick drooling on my ___________ and thought, “oh __________.” So I __________ and set __________ on fire. The first chance I got I washed my dong with __________ and made a doctor’s appointment.
So , Laura you should probably just go ahead and make the plans unless you really want to be part of this shit show.

*Okay, so at this point in the story, I’ve left ________ in a __________ bar in a ___________ part of town, but that bastard once let Mormon missionaries into my house, so _________ him.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Q. Teresa: How come men can ALWAYS take time off of work and/or MAKE time for something they want to do...but when it comes to taking time off to help out your spouse, it's a "Maybe." or "I do work, ya know." or "We'll see." instead of "Of course...I'll make that happen."

A. Before we get started, would you do something? Make me a sandwich. Nothing fancy, although a Reuben would be awesome. Huh? I should go what myself? Hmm, how about we take a quick look at spousal requests:

Things women ask men to do
Move furniture
Fix the car
Open jars
Get things off the top shelf
Mow the lawn
Take out the trash
Talk to the kids
See what “that noise” is
Carry boxes from the basement
Carry boxes to the basement
Put keys on key rings
Kill mice
Watch “Twilight” movies
Change light bulbs
Clean the garage
Build a deck
Plant a garden
Put up Christmas decorations
Take down Christmas decorations*
Fix the hole in the roof
Romantic shit

Things men ask women to do
Have sex
Fix sandwiches

Men can make time for things we want to do is because we want to do them, like fish, cut things with a chainsaw, and drink beer. We don’t make time do things you want us to do, because as you can see, these things are usually shit and we’re selfish assholes. Did you not see the title of this blog?

*Why the hell should I take them down? I’m just going to have to put them back up in 11 months.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Q. Ashlei: Why does he always put so much damn Tabasco on everything? A few drops go a long, long way.

A. Sounds like you’re not the one cooking. Average Guy Food Rule Number 105: If you don’t cook, you don’t bitch. Maybe a little history lesson will ease your anger toward nature’s perfect condiment. The Holy applications of Tabasco were on the tablets Moses brought down from Mount Sinai – carved by THE HAND OF GOD. Tabasco was on the table at The Last Supper. Most wars are started because the aggressor doesn’t have enough Tabasco. The bombs the United States dropped on Japan to end World War II were not atomic, they were Tabascotomic. Tabasco helped Rocky finally beat Apollo Creed. Luke Skywalker destroyed the Death Star with Tabasco. Harry Potter defeated Voldemort with the spell Tabascous burnassious. Each year thousands of guys get laid by chicks they pick up in bars after drinking Bloody Marys seasoned with – yeah, you guessed it – Tabasco. Can you imagine a world without Tabasco? If you can, I am sad for you. You’ll never truly know love.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Q. Laura: Why do men cheat on their wives with an uglier woman than their wife? I mean if you are gonna cheat she better be hot.

A. Are you talking about Tiger Woods? Or maybe the Governator? How about Prince Charles? At one point these men were married to women hot enough to give Neil Patrick Harris a woody. During Tiger Woods’ storybook marriage he decided that having sex with a live Swedish Barbie was so boring he started nailing pancake waitresses, porn stars, homeless guys, the knothole in the arm of an antique Chesterfield, whores, more whores, and his own face. I say “storybook” because Woods’ favorite bedtime books were, “Where The Wild Things are”*, and “Billy Meats a Truckload of Skank.” Arnold Schwarzenegger had a child with Jabba the Hutt, and Prince Charles cheated on Diana with a horse. The point is that guys – ALL guys – will have sex with anything that says “yes.” I don’t care how hot you are, the same men who are attracted to you will also do it with a bucktoothed hobgoblin in the bathroom of a 7-11 if she gives a nod and a wink. And you’re questioning this? I’m offended. Having sex with ugly chicks is like giving money to the March of Dimes. I wonder if I can claim that on my taxes?
*Think about it “Wild Things,” “Let the wild rumpus begin,” and “I’ll eat you up?” Max was totally banging those monster/goat/bird things.

Q. Ashlei: My only question is: where is my breakfast?

A. How the shit should I know? Let me ask you this; are you a regular woman or a feminist? If you’re a feminist, here are two of the many things you don’t understand about men, 1) we really don’t find flannel shirts and biker wallets attractive, and 2) if you want us to make breakfast, you’d better like Pop-Tarts and Eggos because if this breakfast doesn’t involve a toaster the chances of a man knowing how to make it are pretty goddamn slim. If you’re a regular woman, “where’s my breakfast?” just means you want to go to Waffle House. Just freaking say so.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Q. Fawna: Why when you ask a man to cuddle, or for a hug or to sit by you on the sofa they think you want to have sex?

A. One word: boner. Have you never been alone with a guy? Ladies, we can get a hard on by making direct eye contact with you, smelling your hair, or watching you eat a pickle. Hell, Fawna, I’m getting an erection just thinking about you eating a pickle, and I don’t even know what you look like. Now you’re talking about cuddling, hugging, and sitting on the sofa? Let’s look at an average guy’s thoughts via man math: Man+Woman+Couch=Sex. You add hair smelling, and hopefully some pickle eating, and panties are flying. Math does not lie. Why can’t couch time be innocent? Because average guys don’t do things like cuddle and hug (we’d rather be drinking), and we don’t just sit on the sofa without an Xbox controller in our hands unless it leads to sex. We just naturally assume you want the same thing.
Man (thinking): Hey, she’s sitting next to me. She must want sex. Good thing I’ve got a boner.
Woman (what a man thinks she’s thinking): Damn, I need to have sex right now. I’ll sit next to him on the sofa. I’m glad that gives him a boner.
Woman (what she’s really thinking): … How the hell should I know what a woman’s thinking? If you didn’t want to have sex, you wouldn’t be sitting next to me right now giving me a boner, I’d be watching the ballgame, and you’d be off doing whatever it is women do when they don’t want to have sex. Don’t expect me to know what that is. Zumba, or whatever.